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Better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind.
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Tuesday, April 04, 2006
If you are what you eat, I am nothing... yet
The ears are feeding on He Is Legend - Do You Think I'm Pretty?
Please do these two things for me :-) And if you don't know me but you just feel like clicking random words... Well, go ahead. Knock yourself out.
The good one : The bad one
It occurred to me quite recently that all I've been writing on this thing has been useless to anyone. I mean, who cares where I went or what I did or who I was with? That doesn't really matter. That's probably what I hate about online journally things. I can't always be entirely honest or ranty without making people's eyebrows waggle.
...Waggle. Haha. I'm not one to be transparent with the 100 strangers that visit this site every month. Nice of you people to drop by, but I should spare everyone mundane details of what I really did that week, which is none of your business, or what I ate - albeit that being quite fun - because there are so many other things I could talk about that could matter more to you. I want to write, but I don't know what to write about because I narrow my choices down to anything that has to do with me. I am terribly selfish.
Now, for the non-strangers that come here, you people are so awesome and I love you all but I am so sorry I'm bad at putting it into actions. The next time I see you I want to make it up to you. I say I love you, but do I, really? (All the times we could have met up and I gave in to laziness and slouched around at home instead. Gah. Add in a million more examples here and I'll be having a massive guilt trip and I really don't want one. Honestly.) Sometimes I feel a lack of sincerity when I talk to people I love. That doesn't make much sense, does it? I've got some sort of a goal now - a bit more realistic and helpful than all those things on The List - I want to love like how Jesus loved, and loves. Not to prove anything to anyone, but to fulfill what God really wants of me. If that isn't purpose, nothing else is.
This whole generation has turned into a thieving and self-centered egotrip, where everyone feeds each other lies and flattery and encourages the other to set up for a bitter end. Not to turn this into a myspace-dissing thing, but this is just one aspect. Seriously. That is definitely not helping anyone. I've had a myspace page for a while and I sincerely hope I never, ever become like most of the people on that site. Not everyone is like that, but can't you see what is being cultivated? Thanks to digital cameras, camwhoring is now, and has been, the word shamelessly narcissistic people use to describe themselves. I don't think that is respecting yourself. I think it's falling into the pit of loving one's self too much, and in that process forgetting how to love others as much as your face yourself. Take it all at face value and you see what happens.
Sorry. That was quite bitter on my part. There are many loopholes in what I just said, but some of it is true and that's how I'm feeling right now. I want people to get out of their comfort zones and yet I'm guilty of remaining stagnant where I am.
Hmmm... so that technically makes me a hypocrite. I wish I could take back all the criticism I've ever lashed out on anyone, but I can't. Well, live and learn as they say. I tend to learn the hard way but this isn't too bad. It's more a realisation of what I've been doing, and haven't been doing. How can I say I follow Jesus if I keep on judging callously like that? It's sick.
I won't end on a bitter note. Last night was awesome.
So I was lying in the other bed, reading Blue Like Jazz (go read it. The world might be a better place if you do), and listening to Norma Jean or some other sort of noise, and messaging Kurt - just doing normal stuff, and then the whole thought and concept of my unworthiness broke into 768454203000 pieces when God told me,
"Well, I think you're worth it. The sea outside, and the tall trees, all the flowers, the sky, and everything I've ever done for you, it was all worth it."
That's something I have always longed for and always wanted to rebel against. Wanting to be accepted - isn't that conformity? Not when it comes from your Creator because that makes you different from others. He made me just as I am. There is no need for me to feel that His love for me is limited because He's got 6 billion other people to love: He'll never run out of love for every single one of us.
I'd always thought of myself as something of a bother. Getting in the way of people, or what they're doing, inflicting myself onto poor, unsuspecting souls. (Those souls are my friends.) And here God was telling me I'm worth it? That changed something within. Seriously. When it comes from God... Hear what God wants to say to you and everything changes - your perspective on everything you thought you knew, or what you wanted to think you knew; your countenance. You get challenged, and moulded into someone God wants you to be, and deep inside, you want to be as well. God only wants the very best for us, but we tend to ignore Him. That is the greatest tragedy and I'm not trying to sound all Shai Hulud about it.
Acceptance turns into something beautiful, and I hardly use the word beautiful. But we've got it in all of us, that longing to be accepted by someone, anyone. How much more incredible it is when it's unconditional love and acceptance from the most powerful, all-knowing, and ever-loving God of absolutely everything. HE LOVES ME!!! I am but a minute speck in this vastness of the human race and HE LOVES ME!!!
It gets crazier. He loves you, too. He loves you so passionately even if you're gay, if you swear, if you're a whore by profession, if you're a camwhore by choice, if you're divorced, if you have been rejected by people all your life, if you're bankrupt, if you're a murderer, if you've been abused, if you believe in another god, if you're a druggie, if you're a thief, if you've committed genocide, if you're lazy, if you were Stalin's offspring, and if you are entirely human.
He will never stop loving you. I'm finally beginning to understand how God works. He simply loves.
09:53
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