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Better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind.
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Tuesday, May 02, 2006
If you are what you eat, I am chocolate bananas
The ears are feeding on Anathallo - Hoodwink
I could muse about life and how short it is. I could whinge about how meaningless everything is in the end. I could talk about death. I could also tell you what movie I watched yesterday which quite sucked. So maybe I will.
Meg and Nick do excellent jobs at it without being too cliched but I cringe when I have to openly talk about this kind of stuff on a public site. But whatever, no one said you have to read all this. :-) Oh. Unless I told you to.
So here is where it gets tricky: it took me this long (and a funeral) to realize how terrible I am at being straightforward with God, and with myself, and with the people I trust the most. It's quite contradictory and the last thing I want to be called (besides emo, which I am not, by definition of that pathetic scene) is a hypocrite. Does it always take something like life and death, literally, to get me moving? Will I always have to wait for a crisis or something drastic to make me appreciate life and want to live more?
What have I got to lose? Why am I not taking risks and living recklessly for God? LIFE IS SHORT. Hahaha. I'm thinking, screw consequences, I'm going to live all out. But I should probably give things a decent amount of thought before irrationality really sets in. The problem right now is that I do just the opposite - I think too much. Works against me sometimes.
If I don't own anything on this earth - because what we see is temporal, and what is unseen is eternal - my riches are stored in heaven, there isn't anything to lose besides maybe my dignity and a shield over my vulnerability. Unfortunately I haven't got too many riches stored up there. I don't really want to strive for anything ridiculously out of my league, but I need a sufficient amount of faith in God: I was reading Rob Bell's Velvet Elvis last night and it occurred to me that God has faith in me. Why do I do that to myself? Beat myself up inside everytime something bad happens? This whole self-worth thing... Why hasn't it seeped into my veins, the glorious relief that God thinks I'm worth everything, that I was worth His Son dying for me, that the Creator loves His created?
I want to change that mentality. I have been a sitting duck, and I talk about how bad mediocrity is, and I'm falling into that trap of complacency again and I'm beginning to see how that will lead me later on in life if I go on like that. I can have as much passionate talk about all this stuff as I want, but I guess we'll see what really happens. It is futile for me to have weekly Tuesday rants/raves without doing something about it. Actions speak louder than words, don't they?
Fancy that. I get called sensible occasionally. Do those people have any idea what they're talking about? Do they even know me?
I don't care much for whatever eulogy people can or would want to give me at my funeral, because I wouldn't be there to appreciate it. I want to do what I can now, with the capacity God has given me. I suppose I should start at home, with the other 700 things I could be helping out with.
Okay. Here comes the death section.
The Sentinel was a waste of $9.50, which is what usually happens when you watch a movie with the Ian-Stephen-Eddie bunch. (Final Destination...) They suckered the rest of us into watching that stuff. It was probably a good thing that I was in a stupor the whole day. Did yesterday really happen? I suppose it did because my wallet tells me I am ten bucks poorer today.
Anyway. A whole bunch of people died for the President of Amedeeka, because they were fiercely loyal to him in spite of a mole among them (wanna know who? I don't remember how to spell his name but he's that dude who pops up in CSI from time to time). My point is, I can talk about how I'd die for my beliefs, how I'd die for my friends, but when the time comes will selfishness and cowardliness kick me in my face and will I chicken out? Because that's what I've been doing. I am, hypothetically and figuratively, a chicken.
I am discontent and dissatisfied with the life I live now. Sure, I've got it easy compared to many out there. I am so grateful for that. But I want more out of life. I want to do so much more for people - helping them, loving them - because I know I can. Even if they're stubborn and unlovable. God wants us to be like Jesus and it seems impossible but God believes I can do it. I've been provoked into this state of mind and I know God's letting it happen. Thank God. I would absolutely hate being stagnant for too long. Oh yeah, I am supposed to be a lily, eh? Haha.
So this is collectively what I've been trying to say to the people around me, who are sticking it out with me. You are all truly awesome and you will get a big RuthHug the next time I see you. I talked to my 3 favouritest people (so what if I practice favouritism) last night and that was good stuff. I am rather skilled at being vague because I haven't been too straightforward here, either. Oh, well. I'm still a work in progress and there's quite a way to go - so you guys are in for the long haul. :-)
From the bottom of my heart, I would be honoured to die for you.
I'll end on a relatively happier note: Rooby called me yesterday! That crazy brother of mine had too much credit in his phone and he called ME! Yay! It was really cheap though, because he called again to tell me how much it cost. 40ยข a minute. So I'll, hopefully, be getting more calls from him.
09:34
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