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Better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind.
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Saturday, March 03, 2007
mewithoutYou - in a Sweater Poorly Knit
Garbage in, garbage out.
It was an epiphany of sorts, the other night, to realise that I am of no value to the world.
I thought that was pretty freaking awesome.
I'm not saying it's wise to get by without paper qualifications, because we DO need to survive, and God gave us brains and talents, but I'm saying that that isn't the only way to live life. To hang by the A's and B's and C's of ink spat out dutifully on sheets of paper. If anything, sometimes it stifles more, because of the pressure to do well, to succeed - in the eyes of the world. Perhaps that road isn't the right one for me. And since I'm pretty far off from that particular path, I'd say I'm doing alright.
In all honesty, I currently don't give a crap. Maybe I'll take that sentence back one day, or wish I could, when I feel the repercussions of apparent intellectual complacency.
On the other hand, who is to dictate what I am to do, how I am to learn? The freedom of choice also means great consequence, which I can deal with if I am to progress as a person (who wants to digress?) and enjoy it while I do. If books and lectures cannot teach me well, I am better off getting an education with my Bible and making my way through life with the people around me, the creation around me; with God. To take the road less travelled, to take the road not recognised by people with degrees and doctorates waving around madly and bosses of large corporations, is no easy feat - know that I am in no way undermining the greatness in one's strength of intellect. It just isn't for everyone. I don't feel like I need proof that I can think for myself, and I am not saying that to make myself feel better for whatever it is I lack, or some other psychological reason one may come up with as a means to point out a fault within my being.
I know this is a grey area and a very tricky one to weave through, almost like a dirty rattan basket not woven properly, but every day I am living by the relentless grace of God and it currently feels incredibly awesome.
Actually, I used to have trouble with the word "feel". It can be so vague for society around us, entirely opinionated, and not always sensible. Now I am bent on putting rationality aside when I feel strongly about something, anything in particular, because as much as feelings are not always rational, it's a reality we all understand, or at least ought to.
That's why we weren't created to be robots without our own minds. That's also why we have the freedom of choice. I learned today that birds aren't actually free (which is a slight bummer, I really enjoyed the phrase "free as a bird", I suppose it will now have to be changed to "freer than a bird") because they do things by instinct (such as migrating when it gets cold), by what has been ingrained in them already. We humans, however, have the power to choose to stay somewhere cold and enjoy it, or leave and enjoy warmth elsewhere. This might not be the best expression or explanation of my understanding, besides the less-than-obvious bird reasoning in which I have absolutely zero expertise in, (I also have been having to explain myself a lot this entire year, and I'm not sure why... I tend to say things pretty disjointedly, or am restrained by the most ridiculous but still intrusive technicalities) of this whole freedom thing, but... I'm still learning, and this is the space I get to write stuff like this. Safe enough to display publicly on the internet, and yet personal enough to not be able to expound on every intentionally hidden meaning in this post.
I just realised I sometimes have the desire to compartmentalise my thoughts. It isn't a bad desire, but what is the need to, when I am not obligated to explain myself to anyone? It can be a blessing to have the ability to order my thoughts right, but on days like this I prefer not being able to.
Which brings me to this - it's amazing how the day I had is making more sense now, as I slow down and muse over what I have learned before turning over in slumber - I read a friend's excellent perspective about "filing thoughts" today, and am pondering over the rigidity that is in our structures, the organisational techniques employed to make our lives better but ultimately worse, and what a mess it is we have created in and of ourselves, and what a beautiful world in which we have been blessed with to enjoy this unbelievable mess of things.
Oh, and one more thing. I believe there is an intentional and immeasurable amount of greater depth to everything we know... And in everything there is so much more to be revealed. Revelations in even the slightest things draw us closer to God, which means He also draws closer to us... This whole God subject is so win-win, I don't see the lure of running away from what pulls us closer to Truth.
It feels good to write like this, as I please, to not be entirely coherent, but to understand myself better, also with what God is doing in me and around me, and yet to not know anything at all. I believe I have finally learned to enjoy mystery.
00:33
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